Hello Mr. Fantasy Week Four

Lindsay’s Team – 1

Let’s get something straight. Michael Vick is a poor quarterback. In fact, he’s barely adequate to be considered anything remotely close to a QB. But, he’s a great running back who occasionally throws the football. Basically, he’s the ultimate option play. So, um, yeah – with that said, Lindsay takes first with Ron Mexico and his merry crew of McNair, Foster, Harrison and Moss. Like a good case of venereal disease (of which Ron might know a thing or two) – Lindsay has hung around long enough to become a significant problem for our former first, Paul.

Paul’s Team - 2

King Chile and his crew took it to the 49’ers like a backroom prostitute dosed out on meth. Pleasant metaphors aside, LJ gets on the board for the first time this year and then adds another one for good measure. Peyton Manning continues to put up deity-like numbers while the rest of the crew, especially Maroney and Kennison come out of the fantasy cave (or did they simply see a reflection on the cave wall and they are still in the cave?) That’s right my friends, this review included both prostitutes and references to Plato – I have a talent. Oh yeah, Paul slips to second for now, but Lindsay needs to look out his side mirrors because Paul is closer than he appears.

Brian’s Team – 3

Matt Leinert makes his inauspicious fantasy football debut with negative five points – welcome to playing for the Cardinals. When analysts said this team was on the rise, perhaps they forgot that this team has a bloody cardinal on the side of their helmets. That’s right, a harmless songbird really intimidates beefy football players like no other; thus, this team stays in purgatory, or worse, Arizona. Otherwise, Brian’s beating the rest of the league like its Mike Love’s musical ability. Yeah, that’s a bad Beach Boys reference. Brian moves to numba three!

Ryan’s Team – 4

Ryan rhymes with Brian so he has to follow. That’s all I have.

Ian’s Team – 5

At this point, Dante couldn’t comeback from a playground taunt let alone a serious knee injury. Hey Nick Saban, say hello to unemployment! That Dolphins/Texans game was so bad I was surprised it wasn’t on a Monday night, with Madden occasionally rolling out of donut unconsciousness to lay another unnecessary brown nugget of wisdom upon a tortured populace. A good defensive effort saved this team from another drop in the rankings.

Larry’s Team - 6

Larry has the equivalent of the Olson twins with both running backs for Dallas – neither’s very pretty, but somehow they succeed. This team has a ton of potential and just needs a couple players to have monster games and it will be going up. On the same hand, watch out about the running backs – Taylor and Parker are smallish backs who seem to be hitting a wall as the season goes – this team’s one the fence and we’ll see how it goes.

Wayne’s Team - 7

Look who’s in the same position as last week! Rex Grossman continues to prove doubters, including me, quite wrong. In fact, Wayne’s team is like some kind of bad acid trip where Grossman and Brunell continue to scorch the fantasy world while the giant purple chicken hides my socks. One question though? Where are the wide-outs on this team? Wayne, are they with my socks?

Derek’s Team – 8

Here’s the good: Macques Colston might be the best seventh-round pick I’ve seen in some time. Here’s the bad: Matt Hassleback is giving it up faster than Paris Hilton on a bad punk drummer. Here’s the ugly: despite some good individual performances, this team is perilously close to falling behind my team, the penultimate ugly step-sister. I’m not sure what’s not working here, but it’s enough to be concerned at this point in the season.

Dean’s Team - 9

Like a playful eunuch, my team delights without ever having the chance of making anything fruitful. It’s a good thing Detroit’s offense has come alive like some kind of halfway cadaver while the defense is a giant turnstile – it means a lot of fantasy points to buoy me just enough not to get the first pick. My team’s so bad, it’s not even good enough to be bad enough for the first round pick.

Dennis’ Team – 10

When did this team step on the proverbial stingray (and officially, I am going to hell). It’s not easy to get negative four points, but Alex Smith did it. That takes talent. I didn’t see the game, so I can only guess he was rushed and threw the ball backyards forty yards and someone, somehow caught it and took a knee; that’s about the only plausible explanation I’m willing to accept in my narrow scope of logic. Also, Ron Dayne makes a fantasy appearance like the ghost of Christmas crap. You know it’s going to be a rough year when…