Hello Mr. Fantasy – a Preview Revue

So here we are fast approaching another significant milestone in the continuous shared journey that is our fantasy football league. It’s been an agonizingly long and tumultuous offseason with plenty of moves, arrests, free-agent signings and conversely, hold-outs. As we merrily prance up fantasy hill, we see Sunday looming in the horizon. Some of us will triumph, some of us will fail and some of us will select a third-string running back in the third round on a “hunch.”

So here is a quick review of the main players in this tragic saga. Split into two parts, let’s look at who you have and how you’ll probably do on Sunday night.

Wayne

Who you have: Your current roster is such a pitiful dog, not even Michael Vick would have the heart to strangle it Eli’s coming is a song that no longer drives fear into the hearts of fantasy competitors – he hasn’t realized the potential of his brother, but maybe one day he will – oh wait, he’s throwing to Plaxico Burress – no, no he won’t. Addai is the lone star here, which isn’t saying much. Stallworth will have approximately three minutes of a good game and then inexplicably break both his arms tying his shoelaces.

How you will do: Actually, you have drafted okay the past couple seasons, but get saddled with tough injuries. With your luck Wayne, you would pick a defense and somehow they wouldn’t start. Though the lousy luck might be some kind of vengeful karma for drafting Mike Williams and Mark Brunell last year.

Michael Vick expounds on the value of Wayne's current roster

Ryan

Who you have: Gore is a big potential back, who gets hurt too much. Smith is a big potential receiver, who gets hurt too much. If they made a sandwich in honor of Leftwich it would be the kind of sandwich one forgets on their car seat on a hot summer day – in other words, smelly and unappealing, but if you’re desperate, you’ll take a taste.

How you will do: Barring any drafting of 1,000 pound backs like LenDale White, you might do okay. I would stop the unhealthy fascination with all things Cleveland Browns though, we got together the other day and Ryan, we’re worried about you. Some kind of intervention might be coming, so act surprised.

A Byron "Leftwich"

Dennis

Who you have: While he’s no bachelor like Jesse, Carson Palmer has proved to be a valuable commodity on the fantasy market. As for Poops McGee, his value is a little harder to place – will he show his dominant-college side or his plodding Buffalo Bills side. One can make the argument that he moves to a team with a better quarterback and line, but one would be entirely wrong – Baltimore’s line is aging and their quarterback isn’t exactly drinking from the fountain of youth. Larry Fitzgerald is pretty good though, so as Meatloaf warbled, two out of three ain’t bad.

How you will do: Your first three picks last year barely played – by all means – keep up this trend. I certainly won’t stop you from taking Drew Bledsoe-calibre players. Also, if you want, I’ll totally let you draft Ron Dayne again.

Sometimes two out of three is bad

Derek

Who you have: It was looking dire for a second there, Larry Johnson was willing to ride the bench which would have effectively put your fantasy football team on the bench as well. Still, there’s no guarantee Johnson can take another heavy dose of running – at some point he’ll break down. Dree Brees and Marcques Colston is a great combination, provided Colston doesn’t go through some kind of Keary Colbert or Michael Clayton transformation where his fantasy value melts like Toth’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

How you will do: You had an okay draft last year, but just didn’t have the keeper depth to make a move. This year could be a different song and dance since keeping only three players really doesn’t give any of us a significant advantage – plus, we get to draft real players instead cut-outs such as Corey Bradford or Chad Jackson.

blah blah blah blah

The NFL was especially hard on Michael Clayton

Dean

Who you have: Rudi might fail, or he might do what he always seems to do – run for 1200 yards and get 13 touchdowns. I’m not positive, but I think Brady mixed up his playbook with Willis McGahee during a Buffalo/Pats game. That’s fine, he should be his usual consistent self in between impregnating any female that comes within 30 metres. Wayne is always the bridesmaid, never the bride, but this might be his year – of course I was saying that last year, and the year before and the year before.

How you will do: Here are your first three picks – Ovie Mughelli, Doug Johnson and LeRon McCoy. Are these even players? We’ll regardless, you’ll probably draft them really early and spend the rest of the draft defending, and secretly crying on the inside, about your decisions. Based on your talent, you should join the raiders as a scout – and then maybe on the side you can run a bed and breakfast with the offensive coordinator.

Oakland Raiders headquarters

Ian

Who you have: Jay Culter doesn’t have a killer mustache, which should legitimately worry you. I guess this is counter-balanced by Steven Jackson magnificent serpentine dreads. As for Chad Johnson, I haven’t seen this kind of brazen self-love since Larry discovered the Internet. If Chad Johnson grows a mustache, the apocalypse will truly be upon us.

How you will do: Since you actually have draft picks this year, you should do better simply by default. Plus, you basically are drafting like you get the fifth pick, since the guy in front of you will be too busy selecting players who will be working at Sizzler in two weeks. My only word of advice? Grow a sweet mustache for the draft – it is your…destiny.

Jay Cutler has nothing on this guy

Bryan

Who you have: You’ve got the youth movement on your side with a trio of young players with a lot of upside – Bush, Leinart and Walker still have the potential to put up even better stats. This is the fortune bestowed upon you for inheriting a team of woe from an Irishman. He was too busy thinking about potatoes, so his picks were usually suspect. Alas, getting the first round pick is a big helper for building a solid team. I’ve been trying that strategy for years and still can’t find myself in last place.

What you will do: You are like the old man that used to give us m&m’s by the fence at my junior high – you like them young. Present history indicates you will draft rookies again, but that all depends on who falls to you. The disadvantage of doing decently is that you’re getting table scraps for the following draft.

Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

Larry

Who you have: Looking at your current roster is like looking into a child’s birthday giftbag – some of its good, and some of it you throw in the bushes right after the party. Marc Bulger should continue to be solid as long as he doesn’t get hurt. Terrell Owens, I’m afraid, is probably on the downslope of his career. He’ll get you solid results, but nothing spectacular. I’m still not sold on “fast” Willie Parker because he is also “small” Willie Parker and “inconsistent” Willie Parker.

What you will do: In all honesty, you probably had the best draft last year and it paid off with….third. Can you make it two great drafts in a row? Only time, and Hilda the one-eyed homeless oracle that sleeps behind my coop, will tell.

Hilda has forseen better days...

Lindsay

Who you have: You should know that your season went down the toilet the minute Vince Young appeared on the cover of Madden. I put a call in and asked that they add Brian Westbrook and Marvin Harrison to the background, but no dice. As Meatloaf once didn’t sing, one out of three ain’t bad. Westbrook will inevitably get hurt, but his production when he’s healthy makes up for it. Harrison is father time, he is the monolith of fantasy football, he will outlive us all and rule the cosmos with his bride fortuna as they travel from galaxy to galaxy devouring worlds.

What you will do: You will make inexplicable picks that furrow the brow of your competitors, and yet equally inexplicably, they will pan out for you. Is this keen insight or merely serendipity – your continual high ranking suggests the former. Your deductive abilities suggest that you are the Jessica Fletcher or Matlock of fantasy football.

Lindsay didn't age well at all

Paul

Who you have: You have dominated the past couple seasons, but I think your reign may be coming to an end. No longer in possession of two dominant backs, you have settled on keeping Tomlinson. He’s an incredible back, but one day he will get legitimately injured and miss more than a game or two – when that happens, your chances of winning outright drop significantly. Having Manning and Holt doesn’t hurt you either – but they are also players yet to face major injuries. At some points the odds will even up. At least that’s what all your disturbed fantasy competitors secretly hope.

How you will do: Your draft last year was inconsistent. Your first five picks were brilliant and then you took chances later, which didn’t really pay off. I guess that’s the nature of investing in players though – you treated your draft like a banker (which makes sense since you worked in a bank). You played it safe with the big money picks and played it risky with your latter picks. It’s a decent strategy to follow and one that will probably help you immeasurably again this year. Especially with a much lighter keeper roster to rely on.

He walks with a cane for a reason - winning has an ultimate price.

Letters from Neo-Tokyo - Token of my Tokens

The object of my affection
Recently, Jackie and I made our way down to Eau Claire Market to mindlessly spend our extra tokens and eat at the most underrated restaurant in Calgary, the Eau Claire theatre diner. It’s not the most mature diversion for a man of 28 years, but I can’t deny how much fun I have going to the Eau Claire arcade.

Whether it’s playing the latest Japanese shooting game or a ridiculously hard drumming rhythm game or dumping token after token to win more tickets for overpriced DVD’s, we almost always have a blast. For Jackie and I, the arcade was one of those great options when there wasn’t really anything else going on in Calgary. Plus, the restaurant makes great diner food that was far better than some its pricier competitors – cough Galaxy and Avenue diners – cough.

Alas, no more. With our recent visit, we were shocked to see that the arcade/lounge/restaurant has now been closed. As we ascended the escalator, we both stood stunned at the boarded up windows and ratty paper sign. With the recent changes to the market, it appears the arcade is either being renovated, or more likely, simply removed.

Harder better faster sadder
To put it bluntly, it sucked the wind out of our night. I know it seems rash, but I was actually depressed. One of our most reliable activities was gone, in a heartbeat, and with no replacement in sight.

Unfortunately, arcades are going the way of the dinosaur – and Calgary has no other decent arcade. Well, there is the bus depot or the airport, but those hardly count – the games are the same ones I played when I was eight. The University used to have a great arcade and then it was halved and shoved into a cramped little corner in favour of a giant, useless Greek restaurant. Now the Cove arcade is no bigger than a walk in closet – not ideal conditions, unless you are a hardcore game – which Jackie and I are not. Southern Fun might still be around downtown, but I don’t have the courage to stroll through a swath of prostitutes and drug-dealers to get there. Some of the other theatres have mini-arcades, but these only serve as cursory waiting areas. They aren’t enough to keep you entertained for more than twenty minutes, unless you are really fascinated by the social experiment that is dance-dance revolution.

Arcade decay sustain release
Arcades are on the decline and the reasons are simple. Home gaming has improved exponentially both in terms of scope, cost and interactivity. One feature of recent arcade games was delivering an experience hard to replicate in the home – dance-dance revolution, guitar games, shooting games etc. That was part of the thrill – the number of unique peripherals and applications.

This is no longer an advantage. The Wii and games like Guitar Hero bring that same level of interactivity into the living room – and at approximately the same cost as a prolonged stay at an arcade. Plus, you get to own those games. In the arcade, their yours only as long as you have money to feed them.

Hail social
Still, despite the relative equality between home and arcade gaming, I feel like I’ll be missing out. Arcade games bring a unique and kinetic social experience. There’s something thrilling about sampling a wide variety of unique and clever games with the company of friends. That experience will be hard to replace – even with the dearth of interesting console games. It’s not the first time I’ve witnessed the end of a great arcade – I could easily wax nostalgic about the arcades that used to inhabit Market Mall and Chinook Mall – but Eau Claire is the hardest because it seems so final now.

Old geeks die hard, I guess.

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Manic for Summer Movies

Live Free or Die Hard

It’s been a long time since Bruce Willis donned this franchise and the rust shows a little bit – but surprisingly, not on Bruce. The problems inherent in Live Free or Die Hard fall more on the direction and plotting of the movie, than Willis’ gruff speaking character, who really isn’t a character at all, but simply how we all perceive the persona of Bruce Willis.

Yes, things explode and people are shot many times. Cars crash and fights ensue. The math is easy – but somewhere along the way the equation loses a little of the heart and charm of the previous movies. In the last Die Hard, Samual L. Jackson saved an otherwise lame excursion that fell somewhere between Lethal Weapon 3 and Rush Hour 3 in uselessness. In Live Free or Die Hard, the premise starts with blazing action as Willis must transport a valuable hacker into the government’s hands. This works – the banter between Willis and Justin Long is sharp and the suspense of how McClane (Willis) will outsmart a cunning ex-government hacker boils in adrenaline.

One of the joys of the Die Hard series is that it always heralded some small amount of reality, where the audience felt that McClane’s situation could be, at least slightly, plausible. Unfortunately, as the second half of this latest film rolls, the plot takes a number of missteps and the action drops into ridiculous hyperbole. Between the unnecessary bringing of McClane’s daughter into the movie and so-stupid-it-needs-to-be-seen battle between Willis and a fighter jet, Live Free or Die Hard doesn’t evoke the same spirit as its predecessors, especially the first one – which in comparison feels all the more inspired and essential.

Hairspray

Let me make one thing clear – I have an odd fondness for musicals. It’s probably due to the fact that I like music, more than I like, say, over-acting and choreography. Regardless, Hairspray is a good musical with boisterous songs, tight dance numbers and loads of sarcastic charm. One of the most appealing things about Hairspray is that it isn’t played completely straight – the lyrics are often mean-spirited while the music plays on unaware. On the opening number, “Good Morning Baltimore” a joyous chorus rings on about homelessness, town drunks and the poor – good morning Baltimore indeed.

The basic plot revolves around a dance competition and the larger racial implications of 60’s USA. The movie favours the microcosms of the characters rather than try to teach too many lessons to the audience ala Rent. For my money, this elevates Hairspray beyond a recent crop of other musicals in that it lets the characters imply the big picture, rather than hit us over the head with it, to music. I had low expectations of this movie before walking in, and arguably seeing John Travolta kissing Christopher Walken did disturb, I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

The Bourne Ultimatum

Another title for this movie should be – “10 steps to making a good film.” As with the Bourne Supremacy, Paul Greengrass takes the helm with his patented jittery camera-style and launches Robert Ludlum’s third novel into the filmmaking stratosphere. In this latest installment, plot development takes a backseat to pure chase. The tension of the movie isn’t watching Bourne figure out who he is; it’s watching him careen towards ever-dangerous US authorities like some kind of unstoppable missile.

There are huge spectacles of chase, explosions, crashes and fights –all done with a thoughtful lack of special effects. The realistic style is incredibly refreshing in an age of Transformers, where nothing felt real and there was no reason to invest in the action. Transformers made you watch action. Bourne’s efficacy makes you feel like you are part of it. Spy movies need a little grit. It’s nice to see a protagonist with dirt under his fingernails - it puts heart into stories usually concerned with glitzy technology and acronym-wielding intrigue.

The only negative? The movie ends! Before you know it, it’s over – like, over over. But what a ride it was. In a just world, these movies would serve as an actual ultimatum to other filmmakers to stop throwing CGI at us, and tap into something other than adrenaline.

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