Paul’s Team – 1

It’s been a long haul for you this year; there wasn’t the same certainty emanating from this team as last year when you basically walked away with the crown a few weeks before season’s end. This year, your team was still strong; in fact, you’re in the top five for almost every category. Still, Lindsay had a good year too. While there’s one week left, it would take a total meltdown for things to change, so congratulations on a repeat. That’s no easy feat in the land of fantasy football.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Immanuel Kant – your team has nothing but positives to consider so it basically can be said that you are a living model of transcendental idealism. Your team appears to be great; thus, it is.

Lindsay’s Team – 2

I will give you credit because I had you ranked as number seven at the beginning of the year. Like a perennial underdog, your team Mighty V’d all over our fantasy football league (yes, that was a Mighty Ducks reference – Emilio Estevez at his true acting pinnacle). Your team is like the embodiment of a David Blaine street magic trick; we have an idea how you might have achieved number two, but it’s difficult linking the perception to the reality of actually doing it. I guess having a 1000-yard rushing quarterback helps. So does having a surging Vince Young and making a smart trade on Marvin Harrison to some pathetic loser who needed the picks (oh wait, that’s me!) Well, good job fighting for number two and doing it basically with the team you drafted.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Thucydides – you certainly are a pertinent example of how man produces the ordinary world (in your case fantasy football success) without the intervention of the gods. Or as he said it himself, “the strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must.”

Larry’s Team – 3

Speaking of hard fought victories, Larry had to battle it out every week just to keep this spot. As I said weeks ago, it’s an unenviable position to be in. Not only are you fighting off at least three or four potential rivals, you’re doing it for Lindsay and Paul’s table scraps First things first, you should send a personal thank you note to Marc Bulger for deciding to drop a huge game when he did. Sure, he was inconsistent this year, but his performance last week has basically sealed you spot number three. At the beginning of the year, I asserted that you had a strong stable of running backs. What’s the lesson we’ve learned at the end of the year? I think it’s that I’m a poor judge of talent. This team made it on Bulger’s arm and some great performances by wide receivers. Next year though, it’ll be a rough ride if the backs don’t perform.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Leo Strauss – Why? Because it is your adherence to real politics that sealed your success. By acknowledging that Machiavellian tools are needed to function – you understood what lengths were needed to beat out the other competitors.

Brian’s Team – 4

In terms of our fantasy football league, it can be said that fourth place is the first loser. About the only thing you have as a positive to the season is some modicum of pride for beating out six other people. Unfortunately, those same people, who like you did not get any money, will have better picks than you next year. The sliver of a silver lining here is that you have a team with potential. Although they had to dunk Pennington into the Lazurus pool to revive him after every game, he did survive. Plus Bush and Rivers will be mainstays in the fantasy world, which means future success for you.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Saren Kirkegaard – your team truly embodies the existentialist duality between faith and doubt. On one hand, there is faith in your team to perform well. On the other, you could always end up in the same place next year.

Ian’s Team – 5

Well, at least Steven Jackson did what was expected of him. Otherwise, this is a team I had ranked pretty high (number two!) and it didn’t perform as expected. Perhaps it begins and ends with the quarterback play – both Big Ben and David Carr proved to be colossal busts this year, as did Clinton Portis and Stephen Alexander. Those two injuries alone probably cost you at least two spots in the league. Looking forward though, this team has potential once again; with new additions like Jones-Drew and Jay Cutler, you might have enough depth to make a little noise next year.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Ludwig Wittigenstein – if for the only reason that like him, your team attempts to defy the limits of logic by looking so good on paper, but completely was disappointing in the real world.

Dean’s Team – 6

I can’t even lose good. In terms of beating out expectations, my team is second only to Lindsay’s. What that means, I don’t know. My best running back is Rudi Johnson, who only appears to be getting worse. My second quarterback was Jon Kitna, who will soon be out of a job. This team is poised for a another run at the bottom, since I have only development projects for the future and my team’s performance sealed me with a less than stellar pick for next year. Who do I have to blame though? Somewhere in my profoundly absurd logic, telling myself that Musa Smith was a steal seemed to make sense. After a full season to look back on, I understand why I got all those looks on draft day.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Plato – For two reasons; my team only appears half-way decent because I somehow accrued points, but don’t believe it, this team is like the shadows on the cave wall. And the other reason is because my team is about as brutal as having to listen to the Philosopher Kings (I’m referring to that really bad neo-soul canadian band – yeah, I realize this analogy is about as bad as my team).

Derek’s Team – 7

Having Seneca Wallace on your team at any point during the season says a lot. In plain english it means, your team isn’t doing too well when you’re digging so far into the well you’re hitting dirt. On the upside, Drew Brees decided to revive the moribund franchise that is the Saints. And despite Larry’s continued insistence, the answer is no, New Orleans would not be where they are without Brees. Sean Payton coach of the year you say? If that’s the case, let’s make the Bronco’s the team of the year. This team is sitting somewhere in the middle and probably will be again next year – it’s hard to really put a finger on why – there just seems to be no momentum either way – either up or down. By the very least, hopefully Derek picks better defenses for next year (negative four points in week 16 – ouch!)

Philosopher you most resemble:

Jean Claude Van Damme – well, he’s not really a philosopher but he does churn out mean windmill kicks with the best of them. And really, isn’t that really what the world needs more of?

Dennis’ Team – 8

In an alternate universe, this team might have topped our fantasy league. Of course this alternate universe would have Drew Blendsoe and Jake Plummer setting the NFL on fire. Also, the Dallas Cowboys would win the Superbowl, so you know it’s totally the opposite of this world. This insane universe would also have Ron Dayne collect 44 fantasy points in one outing; wait, that really happened! Man that Colts defense is rougher than prison intensity beard-burn.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Jacques Derrida because he is french, and like the french, your team quit early. Also because his theories while interesting have little retail value in practical life. Same thing for your team.

Ryan’s Team – 9

It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock’n’roll. So says ACDC. It’s also a long way to the bottom for this team, which I had pegged at a much higher spot. Well, Frank Gore proved to be a quality pick. Others, like Charlie Frye and Aaron Brooks will be riding the short bus to unemployment. Perhaps they can star in a sitcom together ala Perfect Strangers, but instead of being cousins, they’ll just be crappy quarterbacks. You never know, perhaps Ryan, you could get a guest spot. Your receivers could certainly drop by for a cameo since they were equally terrible. Rough year for this team.

Philosopher you most resemble:

Boo boo from Yogi Bear - "I don't know Yogi, I don't think that's a good idea."

Wayne’s Team - 10

Here’s one team I had accurately pegged. Sorry Wayne, another year of promise, another year looking up. Where did it go wrong. Not sure, but I would guess around week five to six. Rex Grossman started being gross and almost all of your starters decided to watch the games rather than play them: Hurt Warner, Lamont Jordan, Mark Brunell, Kevan Barlow and Donte Stallworth. I’ll give you credit, you made a gamble. And, you lost. Just remember, the promise is all in next year’s pick. My recommendation: go for Musa Smith!

Philosopher you most resemble:

Denny Green: Your team is what we thought it is! Your team is what we thought it was! That man's shit, is deep.