So here is a quick review of the main players in this tragic saga. Split into two parts, let’s look at who you have and how you’ll probably do on Sunday night.
Wayne
Who you have: Your current roster is such a pitiful dog, not even Michael Vick would have the heart to strangle it Eli’s coming is a song that no longer drives fear into the hearts of fantasy competitors – he hasn’t realized the potential of his brother, but maybe one day he will – oh wait, he’s throwing to Plaxico Burress – no, no he won’t. Addai is the lone star here, which isn’t saying much. Stallworth will have approximately three minutes of a good game and then inexplicably break both his arms tying his shoelaces.
How you will do: Actually, you have drafted okay the past couple seasons, but get saddled with tough injuries. With your luck Wayne, you would pick a defense and somehow they wouldn’t start. Though the lousy luck might be some kind of vengeful karma for drafting Mike Williams and Mark Brunell last year.
Michael Vick expounds on the value of Wayne's current roster
Ryan
Who you have: Gore is a big potential back, who gets hurt too much. Smith is a big potential receiver, who gets hurt too much. If they made a sandwich in honor of Leftwich it would be the kind of sandwich one forgets on their car seat on a hot summer day – in other words, smelly and unappealing, but if you’re desperate, you’ll take a taste.
How you will do: Barring any drafting of 1,000 pound backs like LenDale White, you might do okay. I would stop the unhealthy fascination with all things Cleveland Browns though, we got together the other day and Ryan, we’re worried about you. Some kind of intervention might be coming, so act surprised.
Who you have: Gore is a big potential back, who gets hurt too much. Smith is a big potential receiver, who gets hurt too much. If they made a sandwich in honor of Leftwich it would be the kind of sandwich one forgets on their car seat on a hot summer day – in other words, smelly and unappealing, but if you’re desperate, you’ll take a taste.
How you will do: Barring any drafting of 1,000 pound backs like LenDale White, you might do okay. I would stop the unhealthy fascination with all things Cleveland Browns though, we got together the other day and Ryan, we’re worried about you. Some kind of intervention might be coming, so act surprised.
A Byron "Leftwich"
Dennis
Who you have: While he’s no bachelor like Jesse, Carson Palmer has proved to be a valuable commodity on the fantasy market. As for Poops McGee, his value is a little harder to place – will he show his dominant-college side or his plodding Buffalo Bills side. One can make the argument that he moves to a team with a better quarterback and line, but one would be entirely wrong – Baltimore’s line is aging and their quarterback isn’t exactly drinking from the fountain of youth. Larry Fitzgerald is pretty good though, so as Meatloaf warbled, two out of three ain’t bad.
How you will do: Your first three picks last year barely played – by all means – keep up this trend. I certainly won’t stop you from taking Drew Bledsoe-calibre players. Also, if you want, I’ll totally let you draft Ron Dayne again.
Who you have: While he’s no bachelor like Jesse, Carson Palmer has proved to be a valuable commodity on the fantasy market. As for Poops McGee, his value is a little harder to place – will he show his dominant-college side or his plodding Buffalo Bills side. One can make the argument that he moves to a team with a better quarterback and line, but one would be entirely wrong – Baltimore’s line is aging and their quarterback isn’t exactly drinking from the fountain of youth. Larry Fitzgerald is pretty good though, so as Meatloaf warbled, two out of three ain’t bad.
How you will do: Your first three picks last year barely played – by all means – keep up this trend. I certainly won’t stop you from taking Drew Bledsoe-calibre players. Also, if you want, I’ll totally let you draft Ron Dayne again.
Sometimes two out of three is bad
Derek
Who you have: It was looking dire for a second there, Larry Johnson was willing to ride the bench which would have effectively put your fantasy football team on the bench as well. Still, there’s no guarantee Johnson can take another heavy dose of running – at some point he’ll break down. Dree Brees and Marcques Colston is a great combination, provided Colston doesn’t go through some kind of Keary Colbert or Michael Clayton transformation where his fantasy value melts like Toth’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
How you will do: You had an okay draft last year, but just didn’t have the keeper depth to make a move. This year could be a different song and dance since keeping only three players really doesn’t give any of us a significant advantage – plus, we get to draft real players instead cut-outs such as Corey Bradford or Chad Jackson.
Who you have: It was looking dire for a second there, Larry Johnson was willing to ride the bench which would have effectively put your fantasy football team on the bench as well. Still, there’s no guarantee Johnson can take another heavy dose of running – at some point he’ll break down. Dree Brees and Marcques Colston is a great combination, provided Colston doesn’t go through some kind of Keary Colbert or Michael Clayton transformation where his fantasy value melts like Toth’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
How you will do: You had an okay draft last year, but just didn’t have the keeper depth to make a move. This year could be a different song and dance since keeping only three players really doesn’t give any of us a significant advantage – plus, we get to draft real players instead cut-outs such as Corey Bradford or Chad Jackson.
blah blah blah blah
The NFL was especially hard on Michael Clayton
Dean
Who you have: Rudi might fail, or he might do what he always seems to do – run for 1200 yards and get 13 touchdowns. I’m not positive, but I think Brady mixed up his playbook with Willis McGahee during a Buffalo/Pats game. That’s fine, he should be his usual consistent self in between impregnating any female that comes within 30 metres. Wayne is always the bridesmaid, never the bride, but this might be his year – of course I was saying that last year, and the year before and the year before.
How you will do: Here are your first three picks – Ovie Mughelli, Doug Johnson and LeRon McCoy. Are these even players? We’ll regardless, you’ll probably draft them really early and spend the rest of the draft defending, and secretly crying on the inside, about your decisions. Based on your talent, you should join the raiders as a scout – and then maybe on the side you can run a bed and breakfast with the offensive coordinator.
Who you have: Rudi might fail, or he might do what he always seems to do – run for 1200 yards and get 13 touchdowns. I’m not positive, but I think Brady mixed up his playbook with Willis McGahee during a Buffalo/Pats game. That’s fine, he should be his usual consistent self in between impregnating any female that comes within 30 metres. Wayne is always the bridesmaid, never the bride, but this might be his year – of course I was saying that last year, and the year before and the year before.
How you will do: Here are your first three picks – Ovie Mughelli, Doug Johnson and LeRon McCoy. Are these even players? We’ll regardless, you’ll probably draft them really early and spend the rest of the draft defending, and secretly crying on the inside, about your decisions. Based on your talent, you should join the raiders as a scout – and then maybe on the side you can run a bed and breakfast with the offensive coordinator.
Oakland Raiders headquarters
Ian
Who you have: Jay Culter doesn’t have a killer mustache, which should legitimately worry you. I guess this is counter-balanced by Steven Jackson magnificent serpentine dreads. As for Chad Johnson, I haven’t seen this kind of brazen self-love since Larry discovered the Internet. If Chad Johnson grows a mustache, the apocalypse will truly be upon us.
How you will do: Since you actually have draft picks this year, you should do better simply by default. Plus, you basically are drafting like you get the fifth pick, since the guy in front of you will be too busy selecting players who will be working at Sizzler in two weeks. My only word of advice? Grow a sweet mustache for the draft – it is your…destiny.
Who you have: Jay Culter doesn’t have a killer mustache, which should legitimately worry you. I guess this is counter-balanced by Steven Jackson magnificent serpentine dreads. As for Chad Johnson, I haven’t seen this kind of brazen self-love since Larry discovered the Internet. If Chad Johnson grows a mustache, the apocalypse will truly be upon us.
How you will do: Since you actually have draft picks this year, you should do better simply by default. Plus, you basically are drafting like you get the fifth pick, since the guy in front of you will be too busy selecting players who will be working at Sizzler in two weeks. My only word of advice? Grow a sweet mustache for the draft – it is your…destiny.
Jay Cutler has nothing on this guy
Bryan
Who you have: You’ve got the youth movement on your side with a trio of young players with a lot of upside – Bush, Leinart and Walker still have the potential to put up even better stats. This is the fortune bestowed upon you for inheriting a team of woe from an Irishman. He was too busy thinking about potatoes, so his picks were usually suspect. Alas, getting the first round pick is a big helper for building a solid team. I’ve been trying that strategy for years and still can’t find myself in last place.
What you will do: You are like the old man that used to give us m&m’s by the fence at my junior high – you like them young. Present history indicates you will draft rookies again, but that all depends on who falls to you. The disadvantage of doing decently is that you’re getting table scraps for the following draft.
Who you have: You’ve got the youth movement on your side with a trio of young players with a lot of upside – Bush, Leinart and Walker still have the potential to put up even better stats. This is the fortune bestowed upon you for inheriting a team of woe from an Irishman. He was too busy thinking about potatoes, so his picks were usually suspect. Alas, getting the first round pick is a big helper for building a solid team. I’ve been trying that strategy for years and still can’t find myself in last place.
What you will do: You are like the old man that used to give us m&m’s by the fence at my junior high – you like them young. Present history indicates you will draft rookies again, but that all depends on who falls to you. The disadvantage of doing decently is that you’re getting table scraps for the following draft.
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand
Larry
Who you have: Looking at your current roster is like looking into a child’s birthday giftbag – some of its good, and some of it you throw in the bushes right after the party. Marc Bulger should continue to be solid as long as he doesn’t get hurt. Terrell Owens, I’m afraid, is probably on the downslope of his career. He’ll get you solid results, but nothing spectacular. I’m still not sold on “fast” Willie Parker because he is also “small” Willie Parker and “inconsistent” Willie Parker.
What you will do: In all honesty, you probably had the best draft last year and it paid off with….third. Can you make it two great drafts in a row? Only time, and Hilda the one-eyed homeless oracle that sleeps behind my coop, will tell.
Who you have: Looking at your current roster is like looking into a child’s birthday giftbag – some of its good, and some of it you throw in the bushes right after the party. Marc Bulger should continue to be solid as long as he doesn’t get hurt. Terrell Owens, I’m afraid, is probably on the downslope of his career. He’ll get you solid results, but nothing spectacular. I’m still not sold on “fast” Willie Parker because he is also “small” Willie Parker and “inconsistent” Willie Parker.
What you will do: In all honesty, you probably had the best draft last year and it paid off with….third. Can you make it two great drafts in a row? Only time, and Hilda the one-eyed homeless oracle that sleeps behind my coop, will tell.
Hilda has forseen better days...
Lindsay
Who you have: You should know that your season went down the toilet the minute Vince Young appeared on the cover of Madden. I put a call in and asked that they add Brian Westbrook and Marvin Harrison to the background, but no dice. As Meatloaf once didn’t sing, one out of three ain’t bad. Westbrook will inevitably get hurt, but his production when he’s healthy makes up for it. Harrison is father time, he is the monolith of fantasy football, he will outlive us all and rule the cosmos with his bride fortuna as they travel from galaxy to galaxy devouring worlds.
What you will do: You will make inexplicable picks that furrow the brow of your competitors, and yet equally inexplicably, they will pan out for you. Is this keen insight or merely serendipity – your continual high ranking suggests the former. Your deductive abilities suggest that you are the Jessica Fletcher or Matlock of fantasy football.
Who you have: You should know that your season went down the toilet the minute Vince Young appeared on the cover of Madden. I put a call in and asked that they add Brian Westbrook and Marvin Harrison to the background, but no dice. As Meatloaf once didn’t sing, one out of three ain’t bad. Westbrook will inevitably get hurt, but his production when he’s healthy makes up for it. Harrison is father time, he is the monolith of fantasy football, he will outlive us all and rule the cosmos with his bride fortuna as they travel from galaxy to galaxy devouring worlds.
What you will do: You will make inexplicable picks that furrow the brow of your competitors, and yet equally inexplicably, they will pan out for you. Is this keen insight or merely serendipity – your continual high ranking suggests the former. Your deductive abilities suggest that you are the Jessica Fletcher or Matlock of fantasy football.
Lindsay didn't age well at all
Paul
Who you have: You have dominated the past couple seasons, but I think your reign may be coming to an end. No longer in possession of two dominant backs, you have settled on keeping Tomlinson. He’s an incredible back, but one day he will get legitimately injured and miss more than a game or two – when that happens, your chances of winning outright drop significantly. Having Manning and Holt doesn’t hurt you either – but they are also players yet to face major injuries. At some points the odds will even up. At least that’s what all your disturbed fantasy competitors secretly hope.
How you will do: Your draft last year was inconsistent. Your first five picks were brilliant and then you took chances later, which didn’t really pay off. I guess that’s the nature of investing in players though – you treated your draft like a banker (which makes sense since you worked in a bank). You played it safe with the big money picks and played it risky with your latter picks. It’s a decent strategy to follow and one that will probably help you immeasurably again this year. Especially with a much lighter keeper roster to rely on.
Who you have: You have dominated the past couple seasons, but I think your reign may be coming to an end. No longer in possession of two dominant backs, you have settled on keeping Tomlinson. He’s an incredible back, but one day he will get legitimately injured and miss more than a game or two – when that happens, your chances of winning outright drop significantly. Having Manning and Holt doesn’t hurt you either – but they are also players yet to face major injuries. At some points the odds will even up. At least that’s what all your disturbed fantasy competitors secretly hope.
How you will do: Your draft last year was inconsistent. Your first five picks were brilliant and then you took chances later, which didn’t really pay off. I guess that’s the nature of investing in players though – you treated your draft like a banker (which makes sense since you worked in a bank). You played it safe with the big money picks and played it risky with your latter picks. It’s a decent strategy to follow and one that will probably help you immeasurably again this year. Especially with a much lighter keeper roster to rely on.
He walks with a cane for a reason - winning has an ultimate price.
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