Fantasy football seasons age in the same way that dogs do – for every one of our weeks, it’s like seven hard weeks on a fantasy football team. While some teams looked great out the gates, the same teams might be looking a little feeble or a touch senile lately - and in some worst-case scenarios – some teams that look poised to take a shot at the crown are now lost, wandering the aisles of Safeway softly urinating in their pants and mumbling about “the man who took their rutabagas.”
Paul’s Team
My fists are beginning to hurt from the amount of beatings I’ve laid to the dead horse known as Paul’s team – but, hey let’s go over it again – as long as Paul’s team keeps Johnson and Tomlinson, the rest of the team only needs to keep a level of productivity somewhere on par with an overweight Polish factory worker.
Lindsay’s Team
I haven’t seen this many rollercoaster rides since Magic Mountain in 2003. Last week, I was ready to anoint you as surefire number two with the revamped Ravens offense. This week, I’m ready to drop you like you were hotter than a Justin Timberlake single. Your team performs, albeit inconsistently like a Jim Playfair hockey team. If this keeps up, Larry just might overtake you.
Larry’s Team
Well let’s get it out of the way: your team has metaphorically fallen backwards out of the sidelines and torn its ACL in the fantasy football race. Your top scorer, and pretty much the league’s top scorer, is out for the season leaving you with Marc Bulger. That’s an ugly prom date and you gotta dance with him, alone.
With McNabb done, I can’t say I hold out a lot of hope. Ian’s not exactly lighting the world on fire, but he doesn’t have to – he has two quarterbacks to produce points every week, and that sadly, is enough.
Ian’s Team
The older brother’s veteran savvy takes over and Ian shoots past Brian on the standings. For a while there, I was going to leave you for dead. It was looking like your team would end up in the scrapheap of history somewhere between a BETA player and episodes of Little Wonder (it’s the one with the girl, who’s a robot and does robot-y things to a canned laugh track…wait…I’ve already said too much…).
Still, with Portis out I’m not loving your chances to go higher – you might hang on to your current spot but I’m doubtful you’ll be in the money by year’s end.
Brian’s Team
With each passing week, Brian’s face is getting longer than the line up for PS3’s. I don’t blame him. Brian’s team is beset by the inequities and tyrannies of evil men; that and depending on Reggie Bush or Carnell Williams to put up consistent numbers, which just isn’t happening enough. To be frank, Bush is looking more like a wide-receiver than a running-back with every game. When you can’t keep Deuce McCallister on the bench, you know something just doesn’t smell right.
Derek’s Team
Picking up Ladell Betts in any capacity is a bad move – it’s doubly bad when Ladell watches T.J Duckett do all the work while Mike Bell tallies in a couple of scores and 90 yards.
It’s these kinds of gambles that sink fantasy teams faster than electronic battleship. Your luck playing the fantasy football field is about as good as Ryan playing the field, period (ouch, sorry Ryan). As Homer once said, “the lesson here son, is never try.”
Dean’s Team
There’s this song by a post-hardcore band named The Fiction called “Kevin Jones.” I’m not sure if it’s about my Kevin Jones but it’s an okay song, and well, Kevin Jones is an okay running back; that is, when his foot isn’t falling off.
Speaking of falling off, all my momentum is dissipating faster than Jon Kitna can throw interceptions. Suddenly, the Lions look like the Lions again which can only mean one thing: Matt Millen’s loss is my loss. I hear rumours Martz might go to Arizona if Denny Green becomes homeless. If that happens, you can bet I’ll be jettisoning Jones and Kitna into space faster than Sigourney Weaver can say “Aliens.”
Ryan’s Team
If I was Doctor Phil, this would be around the time I would be sitting you down and asking “what’s up with you son?” Not like I really need to dig for an answer – Charlie Frye is your most potent quarterback, which is kind of like saying the Kevin Federline is a potent force in today’s culture.
Come to think of it, your team is kind of like Kevin Federline – not very talented, a little unkept, but has a faint glimmer of promise – if by promise you mean a long career of daytime talk show cameos and being featured in a Trivial Pursuit pop-culture question five years from now – yeah, your team has that kind of promise.
Dennis’ Team
If only Edgerrin could play the Lions every week. If only Tatum Bell could play at all. If only Hines Ward and Heath Miller were catching footballs instead of chasing defenders who intercept them. There’s a lot of “if’s” with this team and that really only leads to only thing: the fantasy football dungeon.
Wayne’s Team
There are only so many years one can blame a system on a coaching system or talent level. A perfect example would be the Houston Texans. They’ve had more than a few chances to prove worth and despite player and coaching changes they continue to tank. I’m not sure what stars are aligned to cause this curse to them, but it seems to be the same curse unfairly wreathed on Mr. Garberg.
Regardless of potential, here you are swimming at the bottom of the ranks yet again. Whatever deity you are currently paying homage toward, I’d recommend a change; perhaps Vishnu or Buddha will bring better luck. At worst, you could go Catholic since you’re already paying penance with your team.
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