Sunday, November 25, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
False Positive
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This comic is part of an ongoing series I'm doing called "False Positive" for Eleventh Transmission - an excellent online arts and culture magazine from Kirk Ramdath.
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This month's issue includes articles on:
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Calgary Take Back the Night
Calgary Street Fashion Show
MIA's real-world music
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pitch selective
half the solved
reception preserved
awesome, in relief
several clicks of desire
staring into outliers
see, stupefied again
laterns of cognizance
alight, this link karma
anointed lightning
echo schemes silver
screens of limit
minimized this realm
dying ploys pixel
sell mortal solipsists
the tether to click physics
story as penetrator
understand the shadow
is amplifying vapours, anchors
brainchild landslide,
a good bargain backdrop
by hard grey flames
reception preserved
awesome, in relief
several clicks of desire
staring into outliers
see, stupefied again
laterns of cognizance
alight, this link karma
anointed lightning
echo schemes silver
screens of limit
minimized this realm
dying ploys pixel
sell mortal solipsists
the tether to click physics
story as penetrator
understand the shadow
is amplifying vapours, anchors
brainchild landslide,
a good bargain backdrop
by hard grey flames
Monday, September 17, 2007
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Hello Mr. Fantasy - Week One Match Ups
Paul moderately over Bryan
Barring some kind of Wayne-like catastrophe, Paul should edge out Bryan this week through the sheer horsepower of his quarterbacks. Peyton Manning gets a minor feast in the offensively-potent, defensively-inept Saints and Brett Favre should fare okay against the Eagles as long as he remembers to throw the ball with his eyes open. While Paul’s running backs are decent, they might feel like a Hooters waitress with the stiff opposition they get in the Patriots and Bears, who can nullify the best of fantasy attacks. Peering over the wide receivers, I’d give the minor edge to Paul again as Matt Jones gets the Titans and Jerry Porter gets the Lions. Throw in Gates and the deal is sealed – Paul takes a closer than expected win.
Ryan creeps by over Dean
Consider this an early Christmas gift Ryan. I’ll give Ryan the win here only because two of my top players face the Baltimore Ravens this week. While I’m not sold on how good they’ll actually be this year, they should make enough of a dent to slow down Rudi Johnson and TJ Housh. Otherwise the quarterbacks are fairly even here – Kitna is facing the best passing defense from a year ago and Romo is facing the team he threw four picks to last year. In terms of running backs, a healthy Gore should have a better game over the Cardinals, than a somewhat healthy Henry over the Bills. I give the edge in wide receivers to myself because I think Reggie Wayne and Hines Ward will likely outperform the likes of Chambers and Horn who have nobody throwing them the ball. Ryan, takes it, but it could swing the other way, depending on a couple of key players for both teams.
Ian barely over Wayne
I’ll say it right now – I could be wrong on this one. Really, this match up is the closest of the week. Wayne and Ian’s quarterbacks are roughly equivalent – I can’t see Eli Manning bettering anything Jake Delhomme does against St. Louis. The running back situation is the same – Jackson has a favourable match up, but so does Addai. I would give a minor edge to Ian with Jones Drew playing the Titans, but depending on his playing time, this could turn the other way. Ian takes the edge on receives with Coles, Johnson and Boldin probably producing better stats than a question mark like Stallworth and an EZ-rider driving Eddie Kennison. The defenses will probably make the ultimate difference as the Patriots get to return Chad Pennington’s passes for touchdowns and the Vikings get to watch more overthrows than a South American government.
Derek convincingly over Dennis
Apparently Herman Edwards is putting the diapers back on Larry Johnson as they look to “protect” him from playing football. Despite this recent news, I still think Derek takes Dennis in a confident win. While Larry Johnson gets less carries than usual, he is playing the Texans, which means if he only gets five runs that each go for 70 yards, Derek should be fine. In a key position, Johnson and Maroney make a stronger pair than McGahee and Taylor, who turn their potential into more broken promises than a dead-beat dad. You can give or take on the quarterbacks and wide receivers since both team feature strong producers in Colston and Fitzgerald, but question-mark players in Burress and Calvin Johnson. With the Ravens and Eagles defense, Derek should have this match up in the bag.
Larry easily over Lindsay
At this point, Larry will easily win, since Lindsay hasn’t set his lineup yet. CBS has Larry by 212, but it could be worse. Once Linsday sets his lineup I can update this post to include my comments, which will no doubt be overstuffed with verbosity and wit.
Barring some kind of Wayne-like catastrophe, Paul should edge out Bryan this week through the sheer horsepower of his quarterbacks. Peyton Manning gets a minor feast in the offensively-potent, defensively-inept Saints and Brett Favre should fare okay against the Eagles as long as he remembers to throw the ball with his eyes open. While Paul’s running backs are decent, they might feel like a Hooters waitress with the stiff opposition they get in the Patriots and Bears, who can nullify the best of fantasy attacks. Peering over the wide receivers, I’d give the minor edge to Paul again as Matt Jones gets the Titans and Jerry Porter gets the Lions. Throw in Gates and the deal is sealed – Paul takes a closer than expected win.
Ryan creeps by over Dean
Consider this an early Christmas gift Ryan. I’ll give Ryan the win here only because two of my top players face the Baltimore Ravens this week. While I’m not sold on how good they’ll actually be this year, they should make enough of a dent to slow down Rudi Johnson and TJ Housh. Otherwise the quarterbacks are fairly even here – Kitna is facing the best passing defense from a year ago and Romo is facing the team he threw four picks to last year. In terms of running backs, a healthy Gore should have a better game over the Cardinals, than a somewhat healthy Henry over the Bills. I give the edge in wide receivers to myself because I think Reggie Wayne and Hines Ward will likely outperform the likes of Chambers and Horn who have nobody throwing them the ball. Ryan, takes it, but it could swing the other way, depending on a couple of key players for both teams.
Ian barely over Wayne
I’ll say it right now – I could be wrong on this one. Really, this match up is the closest of the week. Wayne and Ian’s quarterbacks are roughly equivalent – I can’t see Eli Manning bettering anything Jake Delhomme does against St. Louis. The running back situation is the same – Jackson has a favourable match up, but so does Addai. I would give a minor edge to Ian with Jones Drew playing the Titans, but depending on his playing time, this could turn the other way. Ian takes the edge on receives with Coles, Johnson and Boldin probably producing better stats than a question mark like Stallworth and an EZ-rider driving Eddie Kennison. The defenses will probably make the ultimate difference as the Patriots get to return Chad Pennington’s passes for touchdowns and the Vikings get to watch more overthrows than a South American government.
Derek convincingly over Dennis
Apparently Herman Edwards is putting the diapers back on Larry Johnson as they look to “protect” him from playing football. Despite this recent news, I still think Derek takes Dennis in a confident win. While Larry Johnson gets less carries than usual, he is playing the Texans, which means if he only gets five runs that each go for 70 yards, Derek should be fine. In a key position, Johnson and Maroney make a stronger pair than McGahee and Taylor, who turn their potential into more broken promises than a dead-beat dad. You can give or take on the quarterbacks and wide receivers since both team feature strong producers in Colston and Fitzgerald, but question-mark players in Burress and Calvin Johnson. With the Ravens and Eagles defense, Derek should have this match up in the bag.
Larry easily over Lindsay
At this point, Larry will easily win, since Lindsay hasn’t set his lineup yet. CBS has Larry by 212, but it could be worse. Once Linsday sets his lineup I can update this post to include my comments, which will no doubt be overstuffed with verbosity and wit.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Hello Mr. Fantasy – a Preview Revue
So here we are fast approaching another significant milestone in the continuous shared journey that is our fantasy football league. It’s been an agonizingly long and tumultuous offseason with plenty of moves, arrests, free-agent signings and conversely, hold-outs. As we merrily prance up fantasy hill, we see Sunday looming in the horizon. Some of us will triumph, some of us will fail and some of us will select a third-string running back in the third round on a “hunch.”
So here is a quick review of the main players in this tragic saga. Split into two parts, let’s look at who you have and how you’ll probably do on Sunday night.
Wayne
Who you have: Your current roster is such a pitiful dog, not even Michael Vick would have the heart to strangle it Eli’s coming is a song that no longer drives fear into the hearts of fantasy competitors – he hasn’t realized the potential of his brother, but maybe one day he will – oh wait, he’s throwing to Plaxico Burress – no, no he won’t. Addai is the lone star here, which isn’t saying much. Stallworth will have approximately three minutes of a good game and then inexplicably break both his arms tying his shoelaces.
How you will do: Actually, you have drafted okay the past couple seasons, but get saddled with tough injuries. With your luck Wayne, you would pick a defense and somehow they wouldn’t start. Though the lousy luck might be some kind of vengeful karma for drafting Mike Williams and Mark Brunell last year.
So here is a quick review of the main players in this tragic saga. Split into two parts, let’s look at who you have and how you’ll probably do on Sunday night.
Wayne
Who you have: Your current roster is such a pitiful dog, not even Michael Vick would have the heart to strangle it Eli’s coming is a song that no longer drives fear into the hearts of fantasy competitors – he hasn’t realized the potential of his brother, but maybe one day he will – oh wait, he’s throwing to Plaxico Burress – no, no he won’t. Addai is the lone star here, which isn’t saying much. Stallworth will have approximately three minutes of a good game and then inexplicably break both his arms tying his shoelaces.
How you will do: Actually, you have drafted okay the past couple seasons, but get saddled with tough injuries. With your luck Wayne, you would pick a defense and somehow they wouldn’t start. Though the lousy luck might be some kind of vengeful karma for drafting Mike Williams and Mark Brunell last year.
Michael Vick expounds on the value of Wayne's current roster
Ryan
Who you have: Gore is a big potential back, who gets hurt too much. Smith is a big potential receiver, who gets hurt too much. If they made a sandwich in honor of Leftwich it would be the kind of sandwich one forgets on their car seat on a hot summer day – in other words, smelly and unappealing, but if you’re desperate, you’ll take a taste.
How you will do: Barring any drafting of 1,000 pound backs like LenDale White, you might do okay. I would stop the unhealthy fascination with all things Cleveland Browns though, we got together the other day and Ryan, we’re worried about you. Some kind of intervention might be coming, so act surprised.
Who you have: Gore is a big potential back, who gets hurt too much. Smith is a big potential receiver, who gets hurt too much. If they made a sandwich in honor of Leftwich it would be the kind of sandwich one forgets on their car seat on a hot summer day – in other words, smelly and unappealing, but if you’re desperate, you’ll take a taste.
How you will do: Barring any drafting of 1,000 pound backs like LenDale White, you might do okay. I would stop the unhealthy fascination with all things Cleveland Browns though, we got together the other day and Ryan, we’re worried about you. Some kind of intervention might be coming, so act surprised.
A Byron "Leftwich"
Dennis
Who you have: While he’s no bachelor like Jesse, Carson Palmer has proved to be a valuable commodity on the fantasy market. As for Poops McGee, his value is a little harder to place – will he show his dominant-college side or his plodding Buffalo Bills side. One can make the argument that he moves to a team with a better quarterback and line, but one would be entirely wrong – Baltimore’s line is aging and their quarterback isn’t exactly drinking from the fountain of youth. Larry Fitzgerald is pretty good though, so as Meatloaf warbled, two out of three ain’t bad.
How you will do: Your first three picks last year barely played – by all means – keep up this trend. I certainly won’t stop you from taking Drew Bledsoe-calibre players. Also, if you want, I’ll totally let you draft Ron Dayne again.
Who you have: While he’s no bachelor like Jesse, Carson Palmer has proved to be a valuable commodity on the fantasy market. As for Poops McGee, his value is a little harder to place – will he show his dominant-college side or his plodding Buffalo Bills side. One can make the argument that he moves to a team with a better quarterback and line, but one would be entirely wrong – Baltimore’s line is aging and their quarterback isn’t exactly drinking from the fountain of youth. Larry Fitzgerald is pretty good though, so as Meatloaf warbled, two out of three ain’t bad.
How you will do: Your first three picks last year barely played – by all means – keep up this trend. I certainly won’t stop you from taking Drew Bledsoe-calibre players. Also, if you want, I’ll totally let you draft Ron Dayne again.
Sometimes two out of three is bad
Derek
Who you have: It was looking dire for a second there, Larry Johnson was willing to ride the bench which would have effectively put your fantasy football team on the bench as well. Still, there’s no guarantee Johnson can take another heavy dose of running – at some point he’ll break down. Dree Brees and Marcques Colston is a great combination, provided Colston doesn’t go through some kind of Keary Colbert or Michael Clayton transformation where his fantasy value melts like Toth’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
How you will do: You had an okay draft last year, but just didn’t have the keeper depth to make a move. This year could be a different song and dance since keeping only three players really doesn’t give any of us a significant advantage – plus, we get to draft real players instead cut-outs such as Corey Bradford or Chad Jackson.
Who you have: It was looking dire for a second there, Larry Johnson was willing to ride the bench which would have effectively put your fantasy football team on the bench as well. Still, there’s no guarantee Johnson can take another heavy dose of running – at some point he’ll break down. Dree Brees and Marcques Colston is a great combination, provided Colston doesn’t go through some kind of Keary Colbert or Michael Clayton transformation where his fantasy value melts like Toth’s face in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
How you will do: You had an okay draft last year, but just didn’t have the keeper depth to make a move. This year could be a different song and dance since keeping only three players really doesn’t give any of us a significant advantage – plus, we get to draft real players instead cut-outs such as Corey Bradford or Chad Jackson.
blah blah blah blah
The NFL was especially hard on Michael Clayton
Dean
Who you have: Rudi might fail, or he might do what he always seems to do – run for 1200 yards and get 13 touchdowns. I’m not positive, but I think Brady mixed up his playbook with Willis McGahee during a Buffalo/Pats game. That’s fine, he should be his usual consistent self in between impregnating any female that comes within 30 metres. Wayne is always the bridesmaid, never the bride, but this might be his year – of course I was saying that last year, and the year before and the year before.
How you will do: Here are your first three picks – Ovie Mughelli, Doug Johnson and LeRon McCoy. Are these even players? We’ll regardless, you’ll probably draft them really early and spend the rest of the draft defending, and secretly crying on the inside, about your decisions. Based on your talent, you should join the raiders as a scout – and then maybe on the side you can run a bed and breakfast with the offensive coordinator.
Who you have: Rudi might fail, or he might do what he always seems to do – run for 1200 yards and get 13 touchdowns. I’m not positive, but I think Brady mixed up his playbook with Willis McGahee during a Buffalo/Pats game. That’s fine, he should be his usual consistent self in between impregnating any female that comes within 30 metres. Wayne is always the bridesmaid, never the bride, but this might be his year – of course I was saying that last year, and the year before and the year before.
How you will do: Here are your first three picks – Ovie Mughelli, Doug Johnson and LeRon McCoy. Are these even players? We’ll regardless, you’ll probably draft them really early and spend the rest of the draft defending, and secretly crying on the inside, about your decisions. Based on your talent, you should join the raiders as a scout – and then maybe on the side you can run a bed and breakfast with the offensive coordinator.
Oakland Raiders headquarters
Ian
Who you have: Jay Culter doesn’t have a killer mustache, which should legitimately worry you. I guess this is counter-balanced by Steven Jackson magnificent serpentine dreads. As for Chad Johnson, I haven’t seen this kind of brazen self-love since Larry discovered the Internet. If Chad Johnson grows a mustache, the apocalypse will truly be upon us.
How you will do: Since you actually have draft picks this year, you should do better simply by default. Plus, you basically are drafting like you get the fifth pick, since the guy in front of you will be too busy selecting players who will be working at Sizzler in two weeks. My only word of advice? Grow a sweet mustache for the draft – it is your…destiny.
Who you have: Jay Culter doesn’t have a killer mustache, which should legitimately worry you. I guess this is counter-balanced by Steven Jackson magnificent serpentine dreads. As for Chad Johnson, I haven’t seen this kind of brazen self-love since Larry discovered the Internet. If Chad Johnson grows a mustache, the apocalypse will truly be upon us.
How you will do: Since you actually have draft picks this year, you should do better simply by default. Plus, you basically are drafting like you get the fifth pick, since the guy in front of you will be too busy selecting players who will be working at Sizzler in two weeks. My only word of advice? Grow a sweet mustache for the draft – it is your…destiny.
Jay Cutler has nothing on this guy
Bryan
Who you have: You’ve got the youth movement on your side with a trio of young players with a lot of upside – Bush, Leinart and Walker still have the potential to put up even better stats. This is the fortune bestowed upon you for inheriting a team of woe from an Irishman. He was too busy thinking about potatoes, so his picks were usually suspect. Alas, getting the first round pick is a big helper for building a solid team. I’ve been trying that strategy for years and still can’t find myself in last place.
What you will do: You are like the old man that used to give us m&m’s by the fence at my junior high – you like them young. Present history indicates you will draft rookies again, but that all depends on who falls to you. The disadvantage of doing decently is that you’re getting table scraps for the following draft.
Who you have: You’ve got the youth movement on your side with a trio of young players with a lot of upside – Bush, Leinart and Walker still have the potential to put up even better stats. This is the fortune bestowed upon you for inheriting a team of woe from an Irishman. He was too busy thinking about potatoes, so his picks were usually suspect. Alas, getting the first round pick is a big helper for building a solid team. I’ve been trying that strategy for years and still can’t find myself in last place.
What you will do: You are like the old man that used to give us m&m’s by the fence at my junior high – you like them young. Present history indicates you will draft rookies again, but that all depends on who falls to you. The disadvantage of doing decently is that you’re getting table scraps for the following draft.
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand
Larry
Who you have: Looking at your current roster is like looking into a child’s birthday giftbag – some of its good, and some of it you throw in the bushes right after the party. Marc Bulger should continue to be solid as long as he doesn’t get hurt. Terrell Owens, I’m afraid, is probably on the downslope of his career. He’ll get you solid results, but nothing spectacular. I’m still not sold on “fast” Willie Parker because he is also “small” Willie Parker and “inconsistent” Willie Parker.
What you will do: In all honesty, you probably had the best draft last year and it paid off with….third. Can you make it two great drafts in a row? Only time, and Hilda the one-eyed homeless oracle that sleeps behind my coop, will tell.
Who you have: Looking at your current roster is like looking into a child’s birthday giftbag – some of its good, and some of it you throw in the bushes right after the party. Marc Bulger should continue to be solid as long as he doesn’t get hurt. Terrell Owens, I’m afraid, is probably on the downslope of his career. He’ll get you solid results, but nothing spectacular. I’m still not sold on “fast” Willie Parker because he is also “small” Willie Parker and “inconsistent” Willie Parker.
What you will do: In all honesty, you probably had the best draft last year and it paid off with….third. Can you make it two great drafts in a row? Only time, and Hilda the one-eyed homeless oracle that sleeps behind my coop, will tell.
Hilda has forseen better days...
Lindsay
Who you have: You should know that your season went down the toilet the minute Vince Young appeared on the cover of Madden. I put a call in and asked that they add Brian Westbrook and Marvin Harrison to the background, but no dice. As Meatloaf once didn’t sing, one out of three ain’t bad. Westbrook will inevitably get hurt, but his production when he’s healthy makes up for it. Harrison is father time, he is the monolith of fantasy football, he will outlive us all and rule the cosmos with his bride fortuna as they travel from galaxy to galaxy devouring worlds.
What you will do: You will make inexplicable picks that furrow the brow of your competitors, and yet equally inexplicably, they will pan out for you. Is this keen insight or merely serendipity – your continual high ranking suggests the former. Your deductive abilities suggest that you are the Jessica Fletcher or Matlock of fantasy football.
Who you have: You should know that your season went down the toilet the minute Vince Young appeared on the cover of Madden. I put a call in and asked that they add Brian Westbrook and Marvin Harrison to the background, but no dice. As Meatloaf once didn’t sing, one out of three ain’t bad. Westbrook will inevitably get hurt, but his production when he’s healthy makes up for it. Harrison is father time, he is the monolith of fantasy football, he will outlive us all and rule the cosmos with his bride fortuna as they travel from galaxy to galaxy devouring worlds.
What you will do: You will make inexplicable picks that furrow the brow of your competitors, and yet equally inexplicably, they will pan out for you. Is this keen insight or merely serendipity – your continual high ranking suggests the former. Your deductive abilities suggest that you are the Jessica Fletcher or Matlock of fantasy football.
Lindsay didn't age well at all
Paul
Who you have: You have dominated the past couple seasons, but I think your reign may be coming to an end. No longer in possession of two dominant backs, you have settled on keeping Tomlinson. He’s an incredible back, but one day he will get legitimately injured and miss more than a game or two – when that happens, your chances of winning outright drop significantly. Having Manning and Holt doesn’t hurt you either – but they are also players yet to face major injuries. At some points the odds will even up. At least that’s what all your disturbed fantasy competitors secretly hope.
How you will do: Your draft last year was inconsistent. Your first five picks were brilliant and then you took chances later, which didn’t really pay off. I guess that’s the nature of investing in players though – you treated your draft like a banker (which makes sense since you worked in a bank). You played it safe with the big money picks and played it risky with your latter picks. It’s a decent strategy to follow and one that will probably help you immeasurably again this year. Especially with a much lighter keeper roster to rely on.
Who you have: You have dominated the past couple seasons, but I think your reign may be coming to an end. No longer in possession of two dominant backs, you have settled on keeping Tomlinson. He’s an incredible back, but one day he will get legitimately injured and miss more than a game or two – when that happens, your chances of winning outright drop significantly. Having Manning and Holt doesn’t hurt you either – but they are also players yet to face major injuries. At some points the odds will even up. At least that’s what all your disturbed fantasy competitors secretly hope.
How you will do: Your draft last year was inconsistent. Your first five picks were brilliant and then you took chances later, which didn’t really pay off. I guess that’s the nature of investing in players though – you treated your draft like a banker (which makes sense since you worked in a bank). You played it safe with the big money picks and played it risky with your latter picks. It’s a decent strategy to follow and one that will probably help you immeasurably again this year. Especially with a much lighter keeper roster to rely on.
He walks with a cane for a reason - winning has an ultimate price.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Letters from Neo-Tokyo - Token of my Tokens
The object of my affection
Recently, Jackie and I made our way down to Eau Claire Market to mindlessly spend our extra tokens and eat at the most underrated restaurant in Calgary, the Eau Claire theatre diner. It’s not the most mature diversion for a man of 28 years, but I can’t deny how much fun I have going to the Eau Claire arcade.
Whether it’s playing the latest Japanese shooting game or a ridiculously hard drumming rhythm game or dumping token after token to win more tickets for overpriced DVD’s, we almost always have a blast. For Jackie and I, the arcade was one of those great options when there wasn’t really anything else going on in Calgary. Plus, the restaurant makes great diner food that was far better than some its pricier competitors – cough Galaxy and Avenue diners – cough.
Alas, no more. With our recent visit, we were shocked to see that the arcade/lounge/restaurant has now been closed. As we ascended the escalator, we both stood stunned at the boarded up windows and ratty paper sign. With the recent changes to the market, it appears the arcade is either being renovated, or more likely, simply removed.
Harder better faster sadder
To put it bluntly, it sucked the wind out of our night. I know it seems rash, but I was actually depressed. One of our most reliable activities was gone, in a heartbeat, and with no replacement in sight.
Unfortunately, arcades are going the way of the dinosaur – and Calgary has no other decent arcade. Well, there is the bus depot or the airport, but those hardly count – the games are the same ones I played when I was eight. The University used to have a great arcade and then it was halved and shoved into a cramped little corner in favour of a giant, useless Greek restaurant. Now the Cove arcade is no bigger than a walk in closet – not ideal conditions, unless you are a hardcore game – which Jackie and I are not. Southern Fun might still be around downtown, but I don’t have the courage to stroll through a swath of prostitutes and drug-dealers to get there. Some of the other theatres have mini-arcades, but these only serve as cursory waiting areas. They aren’t enough to keep you entertained for more than twenty minutes, unless you are really fascinated by the social experiment that is dance-dance revolution.
Arcade decay sustain release
Arcades are on the decline and the reasons are simple. Home gaming has improved exponentially both in terms of scope, cost and interactivity. One feature of recent arcade games was delivering an experience hard to replicate in the home – dance-dance revolution, guitar games, shooting games etc. That was part of the thrill – the number of unique peripherals and applications.
This is no longer an advantage. The Wii and games like Guitar Hero bring that same level of interactivity into the living room – and at approximately the same cost as a prolonged stay at an arcade. Plus, you get to own those games. In the arcade, their yours only as long as you have money to feed them.
Hail social
Still, despite the relative equality between home and arcade gaming, I feel like I’ll be missing out. Arcade games bring a unique and kinetic social experience. There’s something thrilling about sampling a wide variety of unique and clever games with the company of friends. That experience will be hard to replace – even with the dearth of interesting console games. It’s not the first time I’ve witnessed the end of a great arcade – I could easily wax nostalgic about the arcades that used to inhabit Market Mall and Chinook Mall – but Eau Claire is the hardest because it seems so final now.
Old geeks die hard, I guess.
Recently, Jackie and I made our way down to Eau Claire Market to mindlessly spend our extra tokens and eat at the most underrated restaurant in Calgary, the Eau Claire theatre diner. It’s not the most mature diversion for a man of 28 years, but I can’t deny how much fun I have going to the Eau Claire arcade.
Whether it’s playing the latest Japanese shooting game or a ridiculously hard drumming rhythm game or dumping token after token to win more tickets for overpriced DVD’s, we almost always have a blast. For Jackie and I, the arcade was one of those great options when there wasn’t really anything else going on in Calgary. Plus, the restaurant makes great diner food that was far better than some its pricier competitors – cough Galaxy and Avenue diners – cough.
Alas, no more. With our recent visit, we were shocked to see that the arcade/lounge/restaurant has now been closed. As we ascended the escalator, we both stood stunned at the boarded up windows and ratty paper sign. With the recent changes to the market, it appears the arcade is either being renovated, or more likely, simply removed.
Harder better faster sadder
To put it bluntly, it sucked the wind out of our night. I know it seems rash, but I was actually depressed. One of our most reliable activities was gone, in a heartbeat, and with no replacement in sight.
Unfortunately, arcades are going the way of the dinosaur – and Calgary has no other decent arcade. Well, there is the bus depot or the airport, but those hardly count – the games are the same ones I played when I was eight. The University used to have a great arcade and then it was halved and shoved into a cramped little corner in favour of a giant, useless Greek restaurant. Now the Cove arcade is no bigger than a walk in closet – not ideal conditions, unless you are a hardcore game – which Jackie and I are not. Southern Fun might still be around downtown, but I don’t have the courage to stroll through a swath of prostitutes and drug-dealers to get there. Some of the other theatres have mini-arcades, but these only serve as cursory waiting areas. They aren’t enough to keep you entertained for more than twenty minutes, unless you are really fascinated by the social experiment that is dance-dance revolution.
Arcade decay sustain release
Arcades are on the decline and the reasons are simple. Home gaming has improved exponentially both in terms of scope, cost and interactivity. One feature of recent arcade games was delivering an experience hard to replicate in the home – dance-dance revolution, guitar games, shooting games etc. That was part of the thrill – the number of unique peripherals and applications.
This is no longer an advantage. The Wii and games like Guitar Hero bring that same level of interactivity into the living room – and at approximately the same cost as a prolonged stay at an arcade. Plus, you get to own those games. In the arcade, their yours only as long as you have money to feed them.
Hail social
Still, despite the relative equality between home and arcade gaming, I feel like I’ll be missing out. Arcade games bring a unique and kinetic social experience. There’s something thrilling about sampling a wide variety of unique and clever games with the company of friends. That experience will be hard to replace – even with the dearth of interesting console games. It’s not the first time I’ve witnessed the end of a great arcade – I could easily wax nostalgic about the arcades that used to inhabit Market Mall and Chinook Mall – but Eau Claire is the hardest because it seems so final now.
Old geeks die hard, I guess.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Manic for Summer Movies
Live Free or Die Hard
It’s been a long time since Bruce Willis donned this franchise and the rust shows a little bit – but surprisingly, not on Bruce. The problems inherent in Live Free or Die Hard fall more on the direction and plotting of the movie, than Willis’ gruff speaking character, who really isn’t a character at all, but simply how we all perceive the persona of Bruce Willis.
Yes, things explode and people are shot many times. Cars crash and fights ensue. The math is easy – but somewhere along the way the equation loses a little of the heart and charm of the previous movies. In the last Die Hard, Samual L. Jackson saved an otherwise lame excursion that fell somewhere between Lethal Weapon 3 and Rush Hour 3 in uselessness. In Live Free or Die Hard, the premise starts with blazing action as Willis must transport a valuable hacker into the government’s hands. This works – the banter between Willis and Justin Long is sharp and the suspense of how McClane (Willis) will outsmart a cunning ex-government hacker boils in adrenaline.
One of the joys of the Die Hard series is that it always heralded some small amount of reality, where the audience felt that McClane’s situation could be, at least slightly, plausible. Unfortunately, as the second half of this latest film rolls, the plot takes a number of missteps and the action drops into ridiculous hyperbole. Between the unnecessary bringing of McClane’s daughter into the movie and so-stupid-it-needs-to-be-seen battle between Willis and a fighter jet, Live Free or Die Hard doesn’t evoke the same spirit as its predecessors, especially the first one – which in comparison feels all the more inspired and essential.
Hairspray
Let me make one thing clear – I have an odd fondness for musicals. It’s probably due to the fact that I like music, more than I like, say, over-acting and choreography. Regardless, Hairspray is a good musical with boisterous songs, tight dance numbers and loads of sarcastic charm. One of the most appealing things about Hairspray is that it isn’t played completely straight – the lyrics are often mean-spirited while the music plays on unaware. On the opening number, “Good Morning Baltimore” a joyous chorus rings on about homelessness, town drunks and the poor – good morning Baltimore indeed.
The basic plot revolves around a dance competition and the larger racial implications of 60’s USA. The movie favours the microcosms of the characters rather than try to teach too many lessons to the audience ala Rent. For my money, this elevates Hairspray beyond a recent crop of other musicals in that it lets the characters imply the big picture, rather than hit us over the head with it, to music. I had low expectations of this movie before walking in, and arguably seeing John Travolta kissing Christopher Walken did disturb, I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome.
The Bourne Ultimatum
Another title for this movie should be – “10 steps to making a good film.” As with the Bourne Supremacy, Paul Greengrass takes the helm with his patented jittery camera-style and launches Robert Ludlum’s third novel into the filmmaking stratosphere. In this latest installment, plot development takes a backseat to pure chase. The tension of the movie isn’t watching Bourne figure out who he is; it’s watching him careen towards ever-dangerous US authorities like some kind of unstoppable missile.
There are huge spectacles of chase, explosions, crashes and fights –all done with a thoughtful lack of special effects. The realistic style is incredibly refreshing in an age of Transformers, where nothing felt real and there was no reason to invest in the action. Transformers made you watch action. Bourne’s efficacy makes you feel like you are part of it. Spy movies need a little grit. It’s nice to see a protagonist with dirt under his fingernails - it puts heart into stories usually concerned with glitzy technology and acronym-wielding intrigue.
The only negative? The movie ends! Before you know it, it’s over – like, over over. But what a ride it was. In a just world, these movies would serve as an actual ultimatum to other filmmakers to stop throwing CGI at us, and tap into something other than adrenaline.
It’s been a long time since Bruce Willis donned this franchise and the rust shows a little bit – but surprisingly, not on Bruce. The problems inherent in Live Free or Die Hard fall more on the direction and plotting of the movie, than Willis’ gruff speaking character, who really isn’t a character at all, but simply how we all perceive the persona of Bruce Willis.
Yes, things explode and people are shot many times. Cars crash and fights ensue. The math is easy – but somewhere along the way the equation loses a little of the heart and charm of the previous movies. In the last Die Hard, Samual L. Jackson saved an otherwise lame excursion that fell somewhere between Lethal Weapon 3 and Rush Hour 3 in uselessness. In Live Free or Die Hard, the premise starts with blazing action as Willis must transport a valuable hacker into the government’s hands. This works – the banter between Willis and Justin Long is sharp and the suspense of how McClane (Willis) will outsmart a cunning ex-government hacker boils in adrenaline.
One of the joys of the Die Hard series is that it always heralded some small amount of reality, where the audience felt that McClane’s situation could be, at least slightly, plausible. Unfortunately, as the second half of this latest film rolls, the plot takes a number of missteps and the action drops into ridiculous hyperbole. Between the unnecessary bringing of McClane’s daughter into the movie and so-stupid-it-needs-to-be-seen battle between Willis and a fighter jet, Live Free or Die Hard doesn’t evoke the same spirit as its predecessors, especially the first one – which in comparison feels all the more inspired and essential.
Hairspray
Let me make one thing clear – I have an odd fondness for musicals. It’s probably due to the fact that I like music, more than I like, say, over-acting and choreography. Regardless, Hairspray is a good musical with boisterous songs, tight dance numbers and loads of sarcastic charm. One of the most appealing things about Hairspray is that it isn’t played completely straight – the lyrics are often mean-spirited while the music plays on unaware. On the opening number, “Good Morning Baltimore” a joyous chorus rings on about homelessness, town drunks and the poor – good morning Baltimore indeed.
The basic plot revolves around a dance competition and the larger racial implications of 60’s USA. The movie favours the microcosms of the characters rather than try to teach too many lessons to the audience ala Rent. For my money, this elevates Hairspray beyond a recent crop of other musicals in that it lets the characters imply the big picture, rather than hit us over the head with it, to music. I had low expectations of this movie before walking in, and arguably seeing John Travolta kissing Christopher Walken did disturb, I was pleasantly surprised with the outcome.
The Bourne Ultimatum
Another title for this movie should be – “10 steps to making a good film.” As with the Bourne Supremacy, Paul Greengrass takes the helm with his patented jittery camera-style and launches Robert Ludlum’s third novel into the filmmaking stratosphere. In this latest installment, plot development takes a backseat to pure chase. The tension of the movie isn’t watching Bourne figure out who he is; it’s watching him careen towards ever-dangerous US authorities like some kind of unstoppable missile.
There are huge spectacles of chase, explosions, crashes and fights –all done with a thoughtful lack of special effects. The realistic style is incredibly refreshing in an age of Transformers, where nothing felt real and there was no reason to invest in the action. Transformers made you watch action. Bourne’s efficacy makes you feel like you are part of it. Spy movies need a little grit. It’s nice to see a protagonist with dirt under his fingernails - it puts heart into stories usually concerned with glitzy technology and acronym-wielding intrigue.
The only negative? The movie ends! Before you know it, it’s over – like, over over. But what a ride it was. In a just world, these movies would serve as an actual ultimatum to other filmmakers to stop throwing CGI at us, and tap into something other than adrenaline.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Sunshine
SunshineMost people scoff when I say I liked Steven Soderberg’s Solaris, but there was something instinctively powerful about its story and its slow grace. Keeping in mind that I haven’t seen the original (and continue to search for it), the subtle opera called out to some higher sense than that of typical science fiction– cough cough Armageddon. What I enjoyed most about Solaris was the threat was our own weaknesses and inability to cope with the potency of our emotions, rather than say, a giant hurtling asteroid.
Well, Sunshine tries for the same austerity of say Solaris or 2001, but ultimately fails. Visually, it’s a stunner – there’s a fascinating slow boil that rises up from the dark and light interplay of the ship as it hurtles toward the sun. Directory Danny Boyle, continually presents shots of the ship’s bright orange shield, followed by the immense shade of the ship hiding behind it. As fascinated as the characters are in the brightness and immensity of the sun, Boyle also keeps us focused its devastating power and beauty.
The plot revolves around a group of astronauts, physicists and scientists aboard the fatefully titled Icarus II, which of course not only invokes the old greek tragedy but implies that there was an Icarus I. As the group moves toward the sun, tensions flare, mishaps occur and the crew is put under great stress to solve them. For the first hour, the film chugs with clockwork perfection – the focus on the drama inside and outside the ship is tight. The dialogue and scientific focus of the plot adds a great depth of believability and lets us invest in these characters.
While there are certainly some familiar touchstones of other science fiction movies, Boyle adds just enough visual flash and drama to keep it interesting. Unfortunately, this balance is upset about midway through the movie, when characters begin to act against type, clichés rear their ugly head and believability is sacrificed for cheap thrills. After probably the best scene in the movie, where all the characters watch Mercury drift across an ocean of fire, things go down hill. The crew find out that the Icarus I is floating somewhere near the surface of the Sun and they go to investigate – cliché alert. Of course, something goes wrong and crew start dying – double cliché alert. Unfortunately, this is the high point of the low points – the plot gets more muddled, as does the special effects, strangely enough. The end turns into a mish-mash of pseudo-everything that darkens all of the promise from the first half.
Too bad – it’s especially disappointing when all of the mystery and tension are released in such a confusing, yet conventional way. Watch Sunshine to understand what it could have been, not for what it is.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Summer Movie Roundup
Summer Movie Round-up:
I see a lot of movies. Well, I think I see a lot of movies – compared with most people.
You know that movie quiz that’s always floating around facebook – I think I’m somewhere in the 250’s out of around 300ish movies. I probably like movies more than I admit to myself. I’m the kind of person who, when watching Grind House and hearing about that movie’s influences, goes in search of the movies that inspired it. Right after Grind House, I quickly went looking for Last House on the Left and Vanishing Point. When I was younger, I used to wander around the video store picking up classic movies and old oscar-nominated movies just so I could watch them. Does this make me some kind of expert? No. Does this make me obsessive? Kinda.
Jackie and I always feel strange when people tell us they only see a couple of movies in a theatre a year. We probably see that many in the span of a week, or at least, a couple weeks.
With that in mind, here’s what we’ve seen since Jackie’s been back for the last two weeks.
License to Wed
This movie got drubbed by the critics, and while I can understand why they might dislike it, it’s not nearly as bad as they made it seem. It’s a typical rom-com, but certainly not any worse than most typical rom-com’s. There were some decent laughs, the characters were decently acted, with maybe the small exception being Robin Williams taking it a little too far and coming off creepy instead of the desired well-meaning. Otherwise, it was a pleasant summer movie – not deep by any means – but light and reasonably funny.
Transformers
Like the above movie, this movie is basically the same thing. A high concept movie that is incredibly light on substance. This should come as no surprise – it’s a movie about talking, transforming robots based on an old Hasbro cartoon and toy line. The action was okay, although occasionally too jumpy to the point of not being able to understand what was happening. The dialogue was occasionally self-referentially hilarious and occasionally groan-inducing cheesy. Another light summer movie where you can leave your brain at home.
Pirates of the Caribbean
It’s a long movie and it’s a convoluted movie and it’s the prototypical summer spectacle movie. The story wrapped up decently, the action and stunts were fantastic. The special effects were eye-popping. I can’t say that I felt truly satisfied by the conclusion, but I wasn’t disappointed either. Adding Chow Yun Fat was also a bonus, scoring brownie points with me – although I was a little sad inside that he didn’t have a toothpick in his mouth and two guns at any point – but perhaps that’s just me not letting go of my many-year obsession with Hard Boiled.
Knocked Up
The thing I liked most about Knocked Up was the fact that I could actually picture it. With most comedies, there’s an element of suspended disbelief so that the jokes can operate freely. With Knocked Up, the scenario, the characters and especially the dialogue never seemed out of place from my everyday reality. Judd Apatow has a knack of taking an ensemble cast and letting them simply follow the wireframe script in a way that comes across refreshingly real. Characters don’t seem like they’re aching to shoot out a funny line, but instead simply say them. The way the dialogue is so fully infused with pop-culture references while still retaining that sense of real people talking is exceptional for most movies.
When one of the kids in the movies says to her aunt “I googled murder” it’s both hilarious and realistic because it seems like something a kid would do if they had access to google. When Ben starts talking about how sometimes he wishes he could change his past actions, it’s all the more amusing and seemingly real when he uses Back to the Future first as a metaphor, which then devolves straight into bad movie quotes and impressions.
Knocked Up wasn’t as consistently funny as The 40-Year Old Virgin, but that’s more attributable to the fact that it’s a different animal entirely. Knocked Up is not as slick a movie and isn’t as driven to uncover the laughs. It’s more content in finding the humorous moments between all the stress, worry, pathos, melancholy and everyday fight of life.
For this, it might not be as visceral as The 40-Year Old Virgin when sitting in the theatre, but it sticks with you a lot longer afterward.
I see a lot of movies. Well, I think I see a lot of movies – compared with most people.
You know that movie quiz that’s always floating around facebook – I think I’m somewhere in the 250’s out of around 300ish movies. I probably like movies more than I admit to myself. I’m the kind of person who, when watching Grind House and hearing about that movie’s influences, goes in search of the movies that inspired it. Right after Grind House, I quickly went looking for Last House on the Left and Vanishing Point. When I was younger, I used to wander around the video store picking up classic movies and old oscar-nominated movies just so I could watch them. Does this make me some kind of expert? No. Does this make me obsessive? Kinda.
Jackie and I always feel strange when people tell us they only see a couple of movies in a theatre a year. We probably see that many in the span of a week, or at least, a couple weeks.
With that in mind, here’s what we’ve seen since Jackie’s been back for the last two weeks.
License to Wed
This movie got drubbed by the critics, and while I can understand why they might dislike it, it’s not nearly as bad as they made it seem. It’s a typical rom-com, but certainly not any worse than most typical rom-com’s. There were some decent laughs, the characters were decently acted, with maybe the small exception being Robin Williams taking it a little too far and coming off creepy instead of the desired well-meaning. Otherwise, it was a pleasant summer movie – not deep by any means – but light and reasonably funny.
Transformers
Like the above movie, this movie is basically the same thing. A high concept movie that is incredibly light on substance. This should come as no surprise – it’s a movie about talking, transforming robots based on an old Hasbro cartoon and toy line. The action was okay, although occasionally too jumpy to the point of not being able to understand what was happening. The dialogue was occasionally self-referentially hilarious and occasionally groan-inducing cheesy. Another light summer movie where you can leave your brain at home.
Pirates of the Caribbean
It’s a long movie and it’s a convoluted movie and it’s the prototypical summer spectacle movie. The story wrapped up decently, the action and stunts were fantastic. The special effects were eye-popping. I can’t say that I felt truly satisfied by the conclusion, but I wasn’t disappointed either. Adding Chow Yun Fat was also a bonus, scoring brownie points with me – although I was a little sad inside that he didn’t have a toothpick in his mouth and two guns at any point – but perhaps that’s just me not letting go of my many-year obsession with Hard Boiled.
Knocked Up
The thing I liked most about Knocked Up was the fact that I could actually picture it. With most comedies, there’s an element of suspended disbelief so that the jokes can operate freely. With Knocked Up, the scenario, the characters and especially the dialogue never seemed out of place from my everyday reality. Judd Apatow has a knack of taking an ensemble cast and letting them simply follow the wireframe script in a way that comes across refreshingly real. Characters don’t seem like they’re aching to shoot out a funny line, but instead simply say them. The way the dialogue is so fully infused with pop-culture references while still retaining that sense of real people talking is exceptional for most movies.
When one of the kids in the movies says to her aunt “I googled murder” it’s both hilarious and realistic because it seems like something a kid would do if they had access to google. When Ben starts talking about how sometimes he wishes he could change his past actions, it’s all the more amusing and seemingly real when he uses Back to the Future first as a metaphor, which then devolves straight into bad movie quotes and impressions.
Knocked Up wasn’t as consistently funny as The 40-Year Old Virgin, but that’s more attributable to the fact that it’s a different animal entirely. Knocked Up is not as slick a movie and isn’t as driven to uncover the laughs. It’s more content in finding the humorous moments between all the stress, worry, pathos, melancholy and everyday fight of life.
For this, it might not be as visceral as The 40-Year Old Virgin when sitting in the theatre, but it sticks with you a lot longer afterward.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Calgary Stampede - Good, Bad and the Ugly
The Good
Fireworks
In the quest to super-size everything into grand spectacle, the Stampede offers up nightly fireworks just to remind everyone that one more day of gong show is gone. While the sentiment’s cheap, the fireworks are pretty cool to watch from the safe distance of Scottman’s Hill. Aside from Global Fest, there aren’t too many opportunities to sit down with the family for a fireworks show in land-locked Calgary. It’s one of the more lasting Stampede traditions, and now, seems kind of classy in comparison to the rest of the junior-Vegas debauchery we host.
Free Food
Free food, even when it’s bad, is ultimately still good. Regardless whether those sausages have been evolving in the sun over an 8-hour span, they still taste as sweet and delicious as nectar from the gods for the sole reason that you did not pay for their botulism-fused goodness.
The Sky Carriage
The forbidden pleasure of spitting on tourists can hardly be matched in this entire world.
The Bad
The Coca Cola stage
If you are a musician or entertainer, and say you’re looking through the stable of shows your agent booked, and you see that you’re scheduled to play the Stampede Coca Cola stage, this means only one thing. It’s over. Whatever success you achieved, whatever heights you reached in the past, they are not coming back. The Coca Cola stage is the place where bands come to die. It’s a veritable garden of Tom Cochrane’s, Cheap Tricks, and unforgettably, Hinders. I can’t in recent memory, think of a band who played the Coca Cola stage and was better for it – Matthew Good fell Icarus-like after his show. Sloan never tasted the same success after the Stampede. If you see it on your schedule, just put your guitar down, put on that Arby’s smock and get that burger spatula ready. It’s the only way to save a little dignity.
Country Music
Country music was once good. There was Merl Haggard, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Loretta Lynn and Patsy Cline. Then came Billy Ray Cyrus with Achy Breaky Heart and it was bastardized forever. Let’s make one thing clear. Today’s “country music” is hardly country music. It’s generic rock music with violin. Worse still, is that country music is nearly as bad as rap music for gimmicky concepts and atrocious lyrics (uh, hello, Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy – barf!). Today’s country music is what office drones want to dance to in their one pair of embarrassing white jeans. Ever notice that cowboys on old western movies don’t wear white jeans. That’s because they would be shot. Enough said.
The Ugly
Being trapped in the Zipper with someone getting sick above you or losing your wallet on the Zipper.
Both are equally frightening. There’s nothing quite as terrifying as being stuck in the caged claustrophobia that is the Zipper, stuck facing slightly up listening to the squeaking of the badly-carnie managed ride, when all of a sudden, you hear the familiar sound of someone losing their corndog high above you. You’re stuck. There’s nowhere to go and that mesh front is hardly a defense. You shake the cracked mahogany chest pad in desperation. But it’s too late. Here it comes. No, no, noooooooooaaaaah.
The other scenario is frightening, but not as disgusting, and I actually had happen to me when I was like thirteen. When you’re thirteen, if you are a loser-kid like I was, you had a slim velcro wallet of some kind. You probably were a dumb kid, like me, and didn’t put it in your acid wash jeans and instead put it in your jacket. So the Zipper starts up and you get a swinging and whoops, there goes your wallet into the bottom of the compartment. You hope it stays there, but of course the ride starts up again and you go spinning upside down. Your wallet plummets out the loose grate and you watch it go tumbling into the crowd. Being the respectful Stampede crowd it is, your money disappears forever. Spiderman wallet, why did you forsake me?
Topless Guys and Girls
You know that sweaty shirtless guy dancing outside at concerts. He’s all drunk, swaying and yelling random crap. He pisses you off and rubs his mansweat up against you as he stumbles frantically toward the front of the stage. Well, the Stampede is where all those guys get together. It’s the shirtless douche bag convention.
Dude, I don’t need to be coated in your Ogden-flavoured manbrine. And, really, you and your beer garden breath are totally wrecking Hinder for me! You are ruining my Hinder experience.
Ladies you fare no better. If having some chain-smoking cougar flash her low-hanging milk curtains at you is a special thrill – look no further than the Stampede. If I want to see soggy flapjacks, I’ll take in a free mall breakfast.
I’m always surprised at these quality people who show up. Where do they come from? I never see them all year, until the beginning of each July. Do they all reside in some secret cave, and come July, go rolling out of it into the blazing sunlight, their fingers splayed, shading their eyes from the judgmental heavens?
Or is it some kind of Bruce Banner-like transformation, only instead of incredible superpowers, people lose half their IQ, half their walking speed and have the sudden desire to walk in a horizontal line slowly so it is impossible get around them and traverse the Stampede grounds from end-to-end in less than three days.
Why does the Stampede give regular people the excuse to be morons – do they simply think that big crowds hide stupid better? I haven’t pinpointed the exact reason, but I have my clear suspicions. It’s those damn superdogs.
Fireworks
In the quest to super-size everything into grand spectacle, the Stampede offers up nightly fireworks just to remind everyone that one more day of gong show is gone. While the sentiment’s cheap, the fireworks are pretty cool to watch from the safe distance of Scottman’s Hill. Aside from Global Fest, there aren’t too many opportunities to sit down with the family for a fireworks show in land-locked Calgary. It’s one of the more lasting Stampede traditions, and now, seems kind of classy in comparison to the rest of the junior-Vegas debauchery we host.
Free Food
Free food, even when it’s bad, is ultimately still good. Regardless whether those sausages have been evolving in the sun over an 8-hour span, they still taste as sweet and delicious as nectar from the gods for the sole reason that you did not pay for their botulism-fused goodness.
The Sky Carriage
The forbidden pleasure of spitting on tourists can hardly be matched in this entire world.
The Bad
The Coca Cola stage
If you are a musician or entertainer, and say you’re looking through the stable of shows your agent booked, and you see that you’re scheduled to play the Stampede Coca Cola stage, this means only one thing. It’s over. Whatever success you achieved, whatever heights you reached in the past, they are not coming back. The Coca Cola stage is the place where bands come to die. It’s a veritable garden of Tom Cochrane’s, Cheap Tricks, and unforgettably, Hinders. I can’t in recent memory, think of a band who played the Coca Cola stage and was better for it – Matthew Good fell Icarus-like after his show. Sloan never tasted the same success after the Stampede. If you see it on your schedule, just put your guitar down, put on that Arby’s smock and get that burger spatula ready. It’s the only way to save a little dignity.
Country Music
Country music was once good. There was Merl Haggard, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, Loretta Lynn and Patsy Cline. Then came Billy Ray Cyrus with Achy Breaky Heart and it was bastardized forever. Let’s make one thing clear. Today’s “country music” is hardly country music. It’s generic rock music with violin. Worse still, is that country music is nearly as bad as rap music for gimmicky concepts and atrocious lyrics (uh, hello, Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy – barf!). Today’s country music is what office drones want to dance to in their one pair of embarrassing white jeans. Ever notice that cowboys on old western movies don’t wear white jeans. That’s because they would be shot. Enough said.
The Ugly
Being trapped in the Zipper with someone getting sick above you or losing your wallet on the Zipper.
Both are equally frightening. There’s nothing quite as terrifying as being stuck in the caged claustrophobia that is the Zipper, stuck facing slightly up listening to the squeaking of the badly-carnie managed ride, when all of a sudden, you hear the familiar sound of someone losing their corndog high above you. You’re stuck. There’s nowhere to go and that mesh front is hardly a defense. You shake the cracked mahogany chest pad in desperation. But it’s too late. Here it comes. No, no, noooooooooaaaaah.
The other scenario is frightening, but not as disgusting, and I actually had happen to me when I was like thirteen. When you’re thirteen, if you are a loser-kid like I was, you had a slim velcro wallet of some kind. You probably were a dumb kid, like me, and didn’t put it in your acid wash jeans and instead put it in your jacket. So the Zipper starts up and you get a swinging and whoops, there goes your wallet into the bottom of the compartment. You hope it stays there, but of course the ride starts up again and you go spinning upside down. Your wallet plummets out the loose grate and you watch it go tumbling into the crowd. Being the respectful Stampede crowd it is, your money disappears forever. Spiderman wallet, why did you forsake me?
Topless Guys and Girls
You know that sweaty shirtless guy dancing outside at concerts. He’s all drunk, swaying and yelling random crap. He pisses you off and rubs his mansweat up against you as he stumbles frantically toward the front of the stage. Well, the Stampede is where all those guys get together. It’s the shirtless douche bag convention.
Dude, I don’t need to be coated in your Ogden-flavoured manbrine. And, really, you and your beer garden breath are totally wrecking Hinder for me! You are ruining my Hinder experience.
Ladies you fare no better. If having some chain-smoking cougar flash her low-hanging milk curtains at you is a special thrill – look no further than the Stampede. If I want to see soggy flapjacks, I’ll take in a free mall breakfast.
I’m always surprised at these quality people who show up. Where do they come from? I never see them all year, until the beginning of each July. Do they all reside in some secret cave, and come July, go rolling out of it into the blazing sunlight, their fingers splayed, shading their eyes from the judgmental heavens?
Or is it some kind of Bruce Banner-like transformation, only instead of incredible superpowers, people lose half their IQ, half their walking speed and have the sudden desire to walk in a horizontal line slowly so it is impossible get around them and traverse the Stampede grounds from end-to-end in less than three days.
Why does the Stampede give regular people the excuse to be morons – do they simply think that big crowds hide stupid better? I haven’t pinpointed the exact reason, but I have my clear suspicions. It’s those damn superdogs.
Monday, June 25, 2007
the wolf thirteen
the wolf - thirteen
Another transition comic - but this time in semi-colour. Or, how Dean bought art pens and needed a reason to play with them (and blur in photoshop).
Another transition comic - but this time in semi-colour. Or, how Dean bought art pens and needed a reason to play with them (and blur in photoshop).
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